How To Repair Broken Friendships You Want Back In Your Life
“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart.” — Eleanor Roosevelt.
In the year 2020, I was forced to ask myself a few fundamental questions like many people. The first question being, “What matters the most to me in my life (besides family) ?” and “Are there any regrets that I have in my life that could be resolved?” Two different questions, but for me, they have the same answer.
My friendships.
You see, my friendships are some of the most special relationships that I have in my life. If I consider you a friend, then that means I believe we have a bond more profound than anything surface level. I don’t take friendships lightly, and I don’t call any and everyone a friend. That’s why my friendships matter the most to me in my life because I genuinely feel like they are the people who love and understand me the most.
However, I do have some regret about friendships that I have had that have ended when it comes to friendships. Some friendships ended, not because something reprehensible or unforgivable happened but ended because of pride and ego. And once I realized that pride and ego were at the roots of these particular friendships ending, I began to truly miss having these people in my life. So, I asked myself another question, “Would these friendships have ended if we were able to humble ourselves and talk things out?” and I’m confident that the answer is no.
After answering asking myself and answering those questions, I realized that I want these old friendships back in my life. So then, I had to ask myself one final question,” What do I need to do to get these friendships back and make them work/last this time?.” and for that question, there are five answers.
I genuinely believe that if one were to do these steps and approach the person(s) that they would like to repair and friendships with, something genuine and renewed will come out of it (given that the other person is receptive and wants to make it work as well.)
This is what needs to be done:
- Be honest with yourself about what caused the friendship to end in the first place.
There’s a saying that goes something like, “there’s your side, their side, and what the truth actually is.” When it comes to repairing broken friendships, you will have to realize that what you believe to be accurate may not be why the friendship really ended. As humans, we have a tendency to get wrapped up within ourselves. Our reality becomes what we view to be true, but our reality only has what benefits us in mind in all honesty. If you are no longer friends with someone, then it is because of reason, as friendships rarely end without a cause. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to end a friendship.
You have to think outside of yourself for any friendship repairing to begin. That starts with being honest with yourself about what you might have done/said that contributed to the friendship’s end.
2. Listen and understand why the other person is hurt and be able to acknowledge the fault you caused.
When dealing with pride and ego within fixing friendships, this step is where they really come out to show their ass. Listening is fundamental, but it is one of the hardest things to do because we have been programmed to react.
Don’t react in this step.
Listen to what this person is saying, give them the floor completely (because you will have your chance of speaking as well), and try to understand why they think the friendship ended and what lead them to have their initial reactions when the friendship first ended.
For someone trying to repair the friendship, this is the hardest step because you have to sit there and listen to someone tell you things about yourself that you might not be ready to accept or process yet. However, to make the friendship work again, you have to get through this step, and trust me, you will be better off for it. When you can put pride and ego aside, that is when true healing can come in.
3. Be honest in explaining why you think the friendship ended and not diminish how you feel about it.
Alright, so you sat there and listened and hopefully understood where the other person was coming from. Now, it’s your time to talk.
This step is crucial in the friendship repairing process because every party involved needs to express themselves honestly. This is your time to say everything that has been on your mind about this person, the friendship, and why you believe that the friendship ended. Hopefully, just as you could listen to what the other person had to say, this person will be able to give you the same respect and listen and understand your perspective.
Personally, I consider this step to be the hardest for me because it takes a lot for me to say how I feel without making my needs and feelings seem lesser than someone else’s. That’s why I say express yourself without diminishing what you are feeling. How you feel matters, and it is valid. Yes, you want to make this friendship work again. Still, you need to be able to get everything out that you’ve been thinking about and holding in, or else resentment and more regret will come up.
4. Both of you decide you want friendship and doing the work to maintain it.
Has everyone been heard and able to express themselves? If the answer is yes, then it’s time to move to the next step! If not, repeat previous steps until everything has been said.
The first three steps are building the foundation for a new friendship, and this step is where the cementing of it comes in. If you both have been able to talk through it and have a mutual understanding of what really caused the end of your friendship, then it is time to decide if you both want to make the friendship work again. Like I said before, it takes two to tango, two to end a friendship, but also, it takes two to make it work again.
Look, I understand that after talking things out and understanding, there might not be any “bad blood” anymore amongst you both. Still, you two might have become different people since the time you were friends, and a friendship moving forward may not work. That’s okay. You both can go on in your individual lives, at least wishing the other person well with no malice in your hearts. But I hope that at the end of the conversation, you both decided that you want to make things work in your friendship again.
To make a renewed friendship work again, decide that you want it to work and then do the work that needs to be done to maintain it. This is when a discussion of wants, needs, and expectations is had among you both. Continue to express yourself honestly and conclude what you both know needs to be done to have a lifelong friendship.
5. Lastly, reaching true forgiveness and having the will to move on.
It’s done. It’s over. You made it through the most challenging part! Listening has happened, feelings have been expressed, and thoughts have been put into words. You both decided that you want to make the friendship work and know what needs to be done between you two to ensure it happens.
Now, forgiveness. Saying, “I’m sorry” might have been stated before in a previous step but just saying, “I’m sorry” is not the same as having true forgiveness in your heart towards that other person. What I’m about to say might be considered to be controversial to some, but just hear me out first.
If you’re going to forgive, then you need to forget.
Forget what caused you two to fall out and don’t hold it over each other’s heads anymore, and don’t have the expectation that the friendship will end again. If you have any inkling in your heart that this friendship may not work or are just incapable of letting go of the past, then a friendship will not happen. And that’s what we don’t want.
Forgive, forget, move forward, and let the past live in the past.
My wish is that on the other side of you reading this article, that restoration and renewed friendships are waiting for you. Good luck!
